7 months after..

I still close my eyes and just pray and believe that Rochelle would come to me in a dream where I am holding on her and kissing and loving on her as much as I can, just one.more.time.  I can’t believe that 7 months have passed, and I still feel like there is still a hole in my heart (the same feeling I had right after Lamar) that has yet to be filled.

Shane and I did everything we could to keep her alive.  It was as if, we really thought that Rochelle would make it past the one year mark that they gave us, and we could have brought her to her doctors and show how well she was doing, under our care.  It wasn’t until we fully released her to God, that we began to see her heal.  After I had to give her CPR, the look on her face was such fear when she woke up again and started breathing. I think I woke her up from such a place of comfort and peace, for my own selfish reasons.

I know in my heart that God gave us the strength day in and day out to do everything we could for our precious girl, and he gave us the strength during the most difficult and hard times, and during all of the sweet and precious times we had just one on one with her.  I can honestly say that taking off of work was hands down the best decision we could have made, so that we never took one day for granted.

This past month Brielle has actually made plenty of comments that we want to love and cherish forever. One of my favorite moments happened when Brielle was asleep in the car seat.  That morning, Brielle had found some of Rochelle’s paci’s that I saved in her special box, and wanted to use one. During her nap in the car she was snoring and then she randomly sat up and said “No, chelle that’s my paci” and I turned around and she was holding Rochelle’s green one and then afterwards, she laid back and went to sleep. I turned around while driving since I was so shocked and couldn’t believe what happened.  When she woke up I asked her if she saw Rochelle in her dreams, she said “yes, I gave her a big hug”.. so I don’t really know how much a two year old understands, but that just melted my heart all over!  She also made a few comments when playing with her toys, she will say “ok, let’s go to the hospital to go visit my sister chelle” or “Chelle is in heaven and I want to tell her that I love her, I want to kiss her and give her one high five and then another high five”.  I love these sweet memories!

I know in my heart that she is comfortable and happy and pain free! We love and miss you so much Rochelle Elaine Johnson!

Here is one of my all time favorite pictures of my girls!


20 down and very proud~

20 down and very proud~

I am seriously so happy that I have gotten to this point so far.  I remember when I was writing my blog post here, thinking about how sad and down I was truly feeling on the inside and out just a month and a half after Rochelle’s passing.  I just ate, and ate, and ate my feelings away.  If you know me, you know I have had struggles with my weight pretty much my whole life.

Around the junior/senior year of high school, I decided to make a change for the better and join the local gym in Austin.  I went with my best friend and LOVED it!  Once I moved down here (to Yoakum), it took me a LONG time to feel comfortable enough to go to the gym alone, literally not knowing a single person.  It broke me out of my shell and introduced me to such good people/friends and I can happily say that I still work out with them to this day!

After each pregnancy, I feel like it definitely takes a toll on your mind, body, and spirit.  All of the hard work that I had done before getting pregnant my first time, I wanted to bounce back to it right away.  Well when I gained around 15-25 pounds each pregnancy, it just didn’t come off like I would have liked (as I am sure many mamas can relate to this part!).  Having 3 babies in 4 years I am sure had something to do with it. 🙂

Once we took our spring family photos (which you can find here), I noticed that the girl in those pictures was NOT me! I couldn’t believed I had gained back all of my baby weight that I had lost after I had Rochelle!  I just didn’t want to see the number on the scale anymore.  That’s when I made a doc appointment that changed my whole perspective.

I knew that it had literally been YEARS since I had been to my regular MD, and not my OBGYN, and I knew he would probably be unhappy with the way I had just let my body go.  Surprisingly, he was not.  He said he completely understood with all of the pain and struggles I have had in the last 5 years, that my gaining weight was not that much of a worry, he wanted to make sure I was emotionally ok.  After that, I realized it’s not about what I have lost, but about what I have gained.  I have two angels who constantly watch over my family every day, I have a healthy and happy toddler who lives life to the fullest that I have to be healthy for, an amazing husband who has stood by me through thick and thin and has never once judged the way I look, and an amazing support system with an amazing God that I can always count on to help me through the struggles.

It was in May that I decided to make a change.  To stop dwelling on the past and the negative thoughts and move forward and release my emotions in the gym again! So then, I got my butt to the gym again on a regular regimen and started making better diet choices! I have lost 20 pounds and I can see already so much change.  Even though no one has really complimented me yet (it’s hard to see weight loss on larger people) but I know in my heart, that I am doing the best I can right now.

Here’s to the future of health, happiness, and love!