loss – Page 2

Family, grief, growth, loss, monthly update, photography, remember, Rochelle

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January 7, 2016January 7, 2016by Sheridan Johnson10 Comments

1 YEAR, 12 MONTHS, 365 DAYS, 8760 HOURS, 525,600 MINUTES, 31,536,000 SECONDS

That’s how much time has passed since Rochelle has passed away. It’s crazy to think that I have made it to this point in my life, and in my grieving process.

In the beginning of this journey, I went through some pretty tough times accepting what all truly happened. I didn’t know how I could have grasped everything that occurred, in such a short amount of time. It wasn’t until I sat down and typed everything up with what truly happened in the moments after her death, that I had to stop and think about how I was feeling.

I had a lot of anger that just harbored within, and at that time I got rid of some much stuff (I still regret giving everything away, some stuff I definitely could have kept)! I didn’t want to see anything that had Rochelle’s name written on it, and I wanted it gone. I was hurt, and in a lot of pain. It took me time to actually go through all of her items, and keep only the special ones. I could feel myself falling deeper into a hole around the three month mark. I had very poor self esteem, and I just didn’t think anything good/positive. I remember having to just pull it together for Brielle’s 2nd birthday party. I tried so hard to be “in the moment” but I just couldn’t. I remember the guilt kicking in, around month seven, and I was hurting so much.

It wasn’t until month eight, that I could see myself turning my negative outlook around, and appreciating everything that God had given us. I loved that I wrote my farewell letter to her through poetry. She was my inspiration to explore deeper and profound feelings for my love of writing.

Somehow, I got the sign I longed for, and that was for God to give me hope again. To listen to myself and my heart, and do that I truly love to do. I started peak an interest in photography, and I loved celebrating her first birthday, and being able to capture it. I loved knowing that she was celebrating with Jesus, among all people, and her brother Lamar. The only word that I could find to describe that feeling is pure magic.

I believe I am a place right now, that I would have never thought possible, just one short year ago. I have many downs, but a lot of ups as well, and with God, family, and friends, we have somehow made it to this day, a year later, January 7th, 2016. Please continue to pray for healing and growth with our family, and that we continue to share Rochelle’s journey, for a lifetime to come.

Here are some of my favorite pictures, ever.

perfection–even when she had jaundice! 🙂

Just minutes after meeting her for the first time, I will never forget the way her fingers curled and grasped mine so tight

Sleeping peacefully.. at least for a little bit when she was not being held.

R.I.P our sweet sweet Angel Rochelle Elaine Johnson

November 06, 2014- January 07, 2015.

Lamar, Rochelle

Sleep

December 9, 2015December 9, 2015by Sheridan Johnson14 Comments

I see you staring at them,

those bags under my eyes.

It may look like it was from not sleeping for one night.

Little do you know,

those bags tell a story.

Of a twenty-seven year old woman,

who has aged so much in the last five years.

A woman who has experienced so much loss,

that sleep is non-existent anymore.

A woman who prays that someday,

sleep will come back.

A woman that closes her eyes each night,

says her prayers and counts her blessings,

and if she happens to get into that deep REM sleep,

she is only to be woken up from a terrible nightmare.

The ones that she wishes upon no one.

A woman who wishes that one night,

she just might be able to see her babies again.

So many people have told her,

that angels can speak to you when you are asleep.

She just keeps waiting and hoping for that day to be true.

Just to get to see them one more time,

growing, laughing, and playing,

and knowing that they are right where they need to be.

Those bags under my eyes may never go away,

but know that I am okay with that.

Sleep will come back one day,

it may happen sooner, or it may happen later.

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Hope-9 months later

October 7, 2015October 7, 2015by Sheridan Johnson1 Comment

Have you ever had

that feeling that there was

something more? Something

to look forward to? Or know that

you can now hold your

head up high again?

That can only be defined as

Hope.

Hope for a brighter future.

Hope for a deeper faith.

Hope for a stronger love.

Today marks 9 months since Rochelle has passed away, and the only word that fits perfect is hope. I now, have so much hope for the future (our future as a family) and I can now see that there are so many things to look forward to, and that doing the things that I love most in life are just as important as doing the things that Shane and Brielle love to do. Thank you Mom, Caitlin and Adriane for talking to me about Rochelle and never closing the doors. So many people are afraid to talk about her life, and why yes, I may still get emotional when I talk about it, but there is nothing more important than my kids and I will open the doors to any questions/concerns/ interest any time. I love educating people on Trisomy 13 and 18 and other rare genetic disorders that could potentially happen to you or your loved ones. Everyone thinks that they know what they would do, being put in a certain position, but you never know what you do, unless you have walked in those same shoes and can honestly feel the same struggles someone else had been through.

Just please remember to never judge a book by it’s cover.

Faith, grief, loss, Rochelle

A room without books

September 24, 2015September 24, 2015by Sheridan Johnson1 Comment

A room without books is like a body without a soul-Marcus Tullius Ciciero

If I have ever had a life changing experience in a book, it would be the one book by Author Angie Smith called I Will Carry You. This book is written from a mom, who finds out that she is pregnant with her fourth child and the baby is “incompatible with life”. Not only does this woman exemplify faith throughout the whole process from finding out her results, to the birth of the her baby girl, all the way to when her baby girl passed and beyond.

She describes the grief she feels and how she will always be coping with the grief, just in different stages. She provides prayers for us moms who have gone through what she has gone through, or are currently in the situation right now. She provides scriptures in the starting of each chapter from the Bible and one of my favorite ones from the book is “Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering in this:Your promise preserves my life.” Psalm 119:49-50

I wish I could say my life without reading would be the same, but honestly I feel so good when I truly take the time out of my busy life to sit down and read every night. There is something amazing that washes over me when I finish a good book that I can’t wait to tell everyone about! I think reading is knowledge, reading is learning, reading is powerful.

Books are amazing and I know today in this world everything is read through the kindle or through the phone, but take a step back and really savor holding that book, flipping the pages, and having to use a bookmark so that you don’t lose your page.

I LOVE good book recommendations about all walks of life and if you have a great one in mind, feel free to leave comments/suggestions!