This month I believe the word to describe how I am feeling now is clarity. I now have more clarity than ever before, more understanding of what’s to come, and just more desire to just really help others and listen to others. I feel like if I can help one person and/or family by sharing my story, my precious angels, and what all I have been through, it just may make things a little easier, or at least give them hope when they feel like there is none left.
Yesterday as I was driving home from celebrating Rochelle’s first birthday, I looked up and noticed the sun was setting, and this has become one of my favorite things to look at and admire this past month. I actually notice now all of the different shades of greys, blues, pinks and whites in the clouds and the shapes and textures, that just seem more bold than ever before. I notice the crispness in the trees, and all the different hues of green, orange, and and brown. Photography has definitely helped me describe my feelings through the beautiful pictures, and I love it.
My mom came up with an idea on what we should do to carry on her name, and to really help other babies that have been in her similar situation. It just makes you realize that even the most simple thing can seem to make the biggest difference to someone, especially those who have been in our shoes. I am SO excited to share what we have planned, as soon as is comes to pass. Please pray that our thoughts/ideas come true and that our hands can help just one baby in the NICU, who is right where we started, with their parents sitting and praying for hope, recovery, and healing.
I must never forget that God’s working miracles in our lives everyday and even though we cannot see them or protect them from happening, I really want to make sure my heart and mind remain open at all times for anything good, or bad. I can’t believe just yesterday we were all together as a family celebrating, just as we would if she were here with us. In her honor, I will share some of my favorite pictures from our beautiful day.
I still close my eyes and just pray and believe that Rochelle would come to me in a dream where I am holding on her and kissing and loving on her as much as I can, just one.more.time. I can’t believe that 7 months have passed, and I still feel like there is still a hole in my heart (the same feeling I had right after Lamar) that has yet to be filled.
Shane and I did everything we could to keep her alive. It was as if, we really thought that Rochelle would make it past the one year mark that they gave us, and we could have brought her to her doctors and show how well she was doing, under our care. It wasn’t until we fully released her to God, that we began to see her heal. After I had to give her CPR, the look on her face was such fear when she woke up again and started breathing. I think I woke her up from such a place of comfort and peace, for my own selfish reasons.
I know in my heart that God gave us the strength day in and day out to do everything we could for our precious girl, and he gave us the strength during the most difficult and hard times, and during all of the sweet and precious times we had just one on one with her. I can honestly say that taking off of work was hands down the best decision we could have made, so that we never took one day for granted.
This past month Brielle has actually made plenty of comments that we want to love and cherish forever. One of my favorite moments happened when Brielle was asleep in the car seat. That morning, Brielle had found some of Rochelle’s paci’s that I saved in her special box, and wanted to use one. During her nap in the car she was snoring and then she randomly sat up and said “No, chelle that’s my paci” and I turned around and she was holding Rochelle’s green one and then afterwards, she laid back and went to sleep. I turned around while driving since I was so shocked and couldn’t believe what happened. When she woke up I asked her if she saw Rochelle in her dreams, she said “yes, I gave her a big hug”.. so I don’t really know how much a two year old understands, but that just melted my heart all over! She also made a few comments when playing with her toys, she will say “ok, let’s go to the hospital to go visit my sister chelle” or “Chelle is in heaven and I want to tell her that I love her, I want to kiss her and give her one high five and then another high five”. I love these sweet memories!
I know in my heart that she is comfortable and happy and pain free! We love and miss you so much Rochelle Elaine Johnson!
Here is one of my all time favorite pictures of my girls!