7 months after..

I still close my eyes and just pray and believe that Rochelle would come to me in a dream where I am holding on her and kissing and loving on her as much as I can, just one.more.time.  I can’t believe that 7 months have passed, and I still feel like there is still a hole in my heart (the same feeling I had right after Lamar) that has yet to be filled.

Shane and I did everything we could to keep her alive.  It was as if, we really thought that Rochelle would make it past the one year mark that they gave us, and we could have brought her to her doctors and show how well she was doing, under our care.  It wasn’t until we fully released her to God, that we began to see her heal.  After I had to give her CPR, the look on her face was such fear when she woke up again and started breathing. I think I woke her up from such a place of comfort and peace, for my own selfish reasons.

I know in my heart that God gave us the strength day in and day out to do everything we could for our precious girl, and he gave us the strength during the most difficult and hard times, and during all of the sweet and precious times we had just one on one with her.  I can honestly say that taking off of work was hands down the best decision we could have made, so that we never took one day for granted.

This past month Brielle has actually made plenty of comments that we want to love and cherish forever. One of my favorite moments happened when Brielle was asleep in the car seat.  That morning, Brielle had found some of Rochelle’s paci’s that I saved in her special box, and wanted to use one. During her nap in the car she was snoring and then she randomly sat up and said “No, chelle that’s my paci” and I turned around and she was holding Rochelle’s green one and then afterwards, she laid back and went to sleep. I turned around while driving since I was so shocked and couldn’t believe what happened.  When she woke up I asked her if she saw Rochelle in her dreams, she said “yes, I gave her a big hug”.. so I don’t really know how much a two year old understands, but that just melted my heart all over!  She also made a few comments when playing with her toys, she will say “ok, let’s go to the hospital to go visit my sister chelle” or “Chelle is in heaven and I want to tell her that I love her, I want to kiss her and give her one high five and then another high five”.  I love these sweet memories!

I know in my heart that she is comfortable and happy and pain free! We love and miss you so much Rochelle Elaine Johnson!

Here is one of my all time favorite pictures of my girls!

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Overcoming Fears

You know those fears developed as a child that you know for sure you will have the rest of your life? I really thought they would never go away, and I would honestly be terrified of them forever.  Just a few of my fears have been heights, bugs (especially cockroaches), spiders, and of course actually touching fish or fish bait for that matter. When I had face my fears head on as a parent, it really opened my eyes that these fears were developed so young as a child that I really never thought about overcoming them.

Heights has to be the biggest fear I have.  I mean I know I am tall and all, but I am seriously afraid of being off of my feet.  When Rochelle had to be transported by helicopter from Yoakum (my tiny town) to Austin for immediate help, I had to make a choice right then and there if I was going to let Shane ride with her like he did the time before, or if I was going to push my fear aside and put the health of my baby girl first.  Of course, as many of you know I chose to fly with her, and let me tell you, it was the scariest thing in my life but I am SO glad that I did it.  When I look back, it really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and I even got brave enough to look out the window a couple of times once Rochelle was stable.  I also recently had to go up the highest point of the park and walk across the bridge and slide a down a very tall and steep slide, and by the grace of God, I did it.

Bugs has to be one of my fears that has been with me as long as I can remember.  I  remember the first time I saw a cockroach in my house, after I had Brielle and I seriously felt my heart pounding outside of my chest, knowing I had to be the one to kill it since Shane was gone at work.  I never thought I could be brave enough to kill one, pick it up, and throw it in the trash, but let me tell you I am MUCH more willing to do that now with majority bugs.  I just didn’t want to develop a fear in Brielle to be afraid of all of the same things as me.

Spiders are just disgusting to me, and just knowing that they are everywhere, doesn’t make it any easier for me.  I literally had a head on encounter with a tarantula last summer as I was baby wearing Brielle about to go on a walk, leaving in my driveway.  I decided in that moment to either A. Be afraid, scream and yell for Shane or B. Kill that dang thing that show Shane that I actually did something pretty brave without needing help! So I chose B, and Shane was so proud of me and of course I patted myself on the back knowing that it was very unlikely that I would do it again, but let tell you I just had to do it again last week in our backyard while we were playing with the dogs. Score!

Fears are something that is developed usually at a young age, and I am proud to say that after becoming a parent, my fears have had to be faced head on! Thank goodness for these precious kiddos, or else I would probably still be relying on Shane for everything. 🙂