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After the first couple of years after we had the abortion that ended Lamar’s life, we didn’t exactly know how to celebrate his life, or even if we were able to, since we decided to end it.
I know that was a hard introduction to his birthday post, but I wanted to be real and raw with you guys. I am trying to find the “right or appropriate” words for this post, but at the end of the day, it has to come from my heart.
Lamar was a very active boy in utero (as I am sure he is in heaven), and it really broke both Shane and I to pieces when we had to make that horrible, final decision to end his life. At the end of the day what we now realize, is that it came down to fear. Fear of the unknown and all of the uncertainty that surrounded his life.
Let me back track a little for some of y’all who may be new around here. Our first pregnancy was our son Lamar Grant Johnson. He was diagnosed with Full Trisomy 18, and we were told from the specialist that he would most likely die during birth, or if he happened to survive, he would be needing 24/7 round-the-clock care and would only live up to 1 year at max. The specialist said ultimately it comes down to what kind of life would he have, and they said it would not be good, and that termination would be the best option for us.
Wow if Shane and I could only back track to that day, in that small, brown, terrifying office when we got this news–and changed the trajectory of that conversation. We would have brought in our own statistics (as we did in Rochelle’s case) of the amount of children that lived (and thrived) with Full Trisomy 18. We would have told them that NO matter what, we were choosing LIFE (and not death) for our son, and that we wouldn’t listen to them try to pressure us to make any other decision.
But that’s not the route we chose, and we have to accept that fact.
Lamar holds a VERY special place in our heart, and we know that Brielle and Malachi (and all three of our adopted children) will forever remember him, even though they never got to physically meet him.
It took a long time for us to understand that God forgives us for that wrong decision and that even though we can never change the outcome, we can celebrate and honor his life and tell people about him and share his story.
We are not perfect, we have flaws, and sins (some bigger than others) but we are loved, forgiven, and redeemed (and for that, we are forever grateful.)
So we celebrated by getting a balloon, singing him happy birthday, eating cake, saying prayers and wishes, and celebrating his life.
We love you so so much Lamar and cannot wait to see you one day!
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