loss

children, Family, growth, loss, photography

Haven of Hope Retreat 2016

March 24, 2016March 16, 2017by Sheridan Johnson3 Comments

Haven of hope (1)

This years Haven of Hope retreat was very different for me, than last year was. I had just lost Rochelle two months before going on this retreat for the first time (for grieving mothers who have lost children) and I wasn’t fully prepared to embrace the entire weekend. I took so much away from it last year (which you can see here), but I also went in a downward spiral of depression, anger, and have had to learn how to cope with my grief of this past year.

Friday night was filled with getting settled into our room (and meeting our roommates) and having dinner at 6pm. This year they sat us down at the table next to someone, and during/after dinner we got to know them and share their story with the rest of the group. It is always so sad hearing the loss of other women’s child(ren), but it is so good that we are surrounded by each other, and we can have a person to learn on and understand all weekend. I stayed up late Friday night talking to my roommate Lauren and playing board games, so fun! Haven’t done that in a while.

Saturday morning started early for me, because I got up before sunrise, and it was so cold (which I definitely did not prepare for), but it definitely woke me up better during my morning walk. After breakfast, we all broke out into our small groups (yay! Susan Gray did awesome leaders ours this year, and I was so blessed to be with those other mommas in our group) and shared such deep, personal stories with one another, that will only be kept there. After small group, we broke out into breakout sessions (I personally attended the “dealing with fear after the loss of a child/struggling with life after loss” groups) and they were amazing and helped me learn better coping mechanisms and realizing to let go of some of my fears associated with Brielle doing certain things. Craft time was after and that was amazing (we painted candle holders in one and we made glass pictures in another) and so fun! We had fellowship, prayer, worship, candle lighting, and slideshow o the rest of the night and it was SO good!

Sunday morning started in a similar way, that I woke up before sunrise to get my morning walk in and just to breathe. I liked to take this time to pray/thank God for all that I had and all that He has done not only for me, but the people surrounding me. After breakfast, they all gave away prizes to each one of us (yay!!) and then we had a guest speaker, then Pastor Sandra King gave such a wonderful sermon again and her analogy this year was that sometimes you just have to life yourself up from the ground, and rise to what God is calling you to do. She said “it’s okay to grieve to be sad, and to cry over the loss of your loved one, but don’t let those emotions consume your life”. I loved every word she spoke and I love getting to hear her speak the Word of God.

I hope the pictures speak for themselves, but I just had an amazing weekend, and I am seriously counting down the days I get to attend next years retreat!

changes, grief, growth, life, loss, poetry

Triggers

March 21, 2016March 21, 2016by Sheridan Johnson8 Comments

Grief doesn’t go away

it doesn’t disappear.

People say things

that cause a reaction out of us.

“God will never give you more than you can handle”

trigger

“You can have another baby”

trigger

“It wasn’t your fault”

trigger

“You can move on”

trigger

Grieving is a process,

and goes deeper than those five stages.

Sometimes it just so happens,

that those triggers

may never disappear.

Image by: The Hope Line

Family, grief, growth, loss, monthly update, photography, remember, Rochelle

3 6 5

January 7, 2016January 7, 2016by Sheridan Johnson10 Comments

1 YEAR, 12 MONTHS, 365 DAYS, 8760 HOURS, 525,600 MINUTES, 31,536,000 SECONDS

That’s how much time has passed since Rochelle has passed away. It’s crazy to think that I have made it to this point in my life, and in my grieving process.

In the beginning of this journey, I went through some pretty tough times accepting what all truly happened. I didn’t know how I could have grasped everything that occurred, in such a short amount of time. It wasn’t until I sat down and typed everything up with what truly happened in the moments after her death, that I had to stop and think about how I was feeling.

I had a lot of anger that just harbored within, and at that time I got rid of some much stuff (I still regret giving everything away, some stuff I definitely could have kept)! I didn’t want to see anything that had Rochelle’s name written on it, and I wanted it gone. I was hurt, and in a lot of pain. It took me time to actually go through all of her items, and keep only the special ones. I could feel myself falling deeper into a hole around the three month mark. I had very poor self esteem, and I just didn’t think anything good/positive. I remember having to just pull it together for Brielle’s 2nd birthday party. I tried so hard to be “in the moment” but I just couldn’t. I remember the guilt kicking in, around month seven, and I was hurting so much.

It wasn’t until month eight, that I could see myself turning my negative outlook around, and appreciating everything that God had given us. I loved that I wrote my farewell letter to her through poetry. She was my inspiration to explore deeper and profound feelings for my love of writing.

Somehow, I got the sign I longed for, and that was for God to give me hope again. To listen to myself and my heart, and do that I truly love to do. I started peak an interest in photography, and I loved celebrating her first birthday, and being able to capture it. I loved knowing that she was celebrating with Jesus, among all people, and her brother Lamar. The only word that I could find to describe that feeling is pure magic.

I believe I am a place right now, that I would have never thought possible, just one short year ago. I have many downs, but a lot of ups as well, and with God, family, and friends, we have somehow made it to this day, a year later, January 7th, 2016. Please continue to pray for healing and growth with our family, and that we continue to share Rochelle’s journey, for a lifetime to come.

Here are some of my favorite pictures, ever.

perfection–even when she had jaundice! 🙂

Just minutes after meeting her for the first time, I will never forget the way her fingers curled and grasped mine so tight

Sleeping peacefully.. at least for a little bit when she was not being held.

R.I.P our sweet sweet Angel Rochelle Elaine Johnson

November 06, 2014- January 07, 2015.

angel, beauty, life, loss, parenting, remember, Rochelle

11 months later..Magic

December 7, 2015December 9, 2015by Sheridan Johnson5 Comments

From the moment you entered this world,

with your blue-tinged fingers and toes,

God instilled life into you.

He gave you the strength to breathe,

to cry, and to know when you were hungry.

The ability to experience pain,

but also comfort and joy.

The courage to speak ,

through your bold dark eyes,

and your slow twitching head,

when you got so mad.

The ability to know love,

on such a deeper and powerful level.

Your body responded so well to touch,

and to voices that you recognized.

You also loved to be held all the time,

and cuddled up close to someones neck,

in the knee-chest position.

Through the many trials and tribulations,

you continued to defy all odds placed against you.

You created a new image for Trisomy 13 babies,

and you showed people to look deeper than your “label”.

You showed me how to take my label of a “nurse” off (at times),

and realized what a precious gift from God I had in my arms.

You were the rock,

when everything was falling apart,

and you somehow drew our family closer than ever before.

The day you left to go be with your brother,

was unlike no other.

I have seen patients pass away before,

but nothing like yours.

You were in my arms,

and I never wanted to let you go.

Yet, it was like pure magic.

Spirit drifted out of your body,

and I all of the sudden

got this overwhelming feeling

that you were gone.

That’s the moment,

your Daddy and I knew,

life would never be the same.

11 months have passed,

yet it still feels like it was yesterday.

We will miss you forever Rochelle Elaine Johnson. 11/6/15-1/7/15