This is one of those words that I don’t like to use often in my life. I do feel like everything happens for a reason, but sometimes we do make the wrong choices in life. With Lamar, we knew nothing positive that would help us to make a better decision. I felt that we were so young, naive, and believed anything the doctors and physicians told us. This is one of the biggest regrets in my life.
Fast forward to a couple of years later, facing the decisions yet again with Rochelle in that cold hospital room. Losing yet another child, made me into a person that I did not know how to describe. I was lost, mad, and angry and I held it all in for as long as I could. Until I got that one phone that would change me forever.
My Dad called me. My relationship with him has been so rocky my entire life, and it was the last person I ever wanted to hear from. He called to tell me how much he loved me, and sent his deepest condolences. The last time I had heard from him on the phone was when we lost Lamar. It angered me so much, that I let him have it. I mean, ALL of my built up anger over the years that I have never had the courage to say to him or anyone for that matter. I have always been the type to write all of my feelings down, especially when it had to do with something I never wanted to talk about with anyone.
After that phone call I felt relief, I felt that I was able to breathe and finally let him go out of my life. A month after that phone call, Shane and I knew we needed to make a trip to go see Pastor Joel Osteen preach in Houston. The sermon was about forgiveness. It was about accepting people for who they are, regardless of the mistakes they have made. It made me immediately feel regret towards my dad. He didn’t deserve to the be person I let all of my anger out on, and I needed to apologize for my actions and truly forgive him for all of bad memories I had from the past. I needed to do this for me, my family, and for God.
I wrote a message to my Dad, asking to see him in person (knowing that he always cancels everything), and I didn’t hold it against him when he said he would love to, but last minute he had a change in plans to leave out of town. I sent him messages and pictures and let him know that I do still love him, I was just in such a dark place and I shouldn’t have said those words to anyone.
I still to this day have not had the chance to apologize in person almost 8 months later, but I am very determined, and will definitely make it happen this year.
Regret is something that most people do not want to admit to, but it is so good to state the truth, and really overcome the past, and move forward as a better, stronger, happier person.