This is one of those words that I don’t like to use often in my life. I do feel like everything happens for a reason, but sometimes we do make the wrong choices in life. With Lamar, we knew nothing positive that would help us to make a better decision. I felt that we were so young, naive, and believed anything the doctors and physicians told us. This is one of the biggest regrets in my life.
Fast forward to a couple of years later, facing the decisions yet again with Rochelle in that cold hospital room. Losing yet another child, made me into a person that I did not know how to describe. I was lost, mad, and angry and I held it all in for as long as I could. Until I got that one phone that would change me forever.
My Dad called me. My relationship with him has been so rocky my entire life, and it was the last person I ever wanted to hear from. He called to tell me how much he loved me, and sent his deepest condolences. The last time I had heard from him on the phone was when we lost Lamar. It angered me so much, that I let him have it. I mean, ALL of my built up anger over the years that I have never had the courage to say to him or anyone for that matter. I have always been the type to write all of my feelings down, especially when it had to do with something I never wanted to talk about with anyone.
After that phone call I felt relief, I felt that I was able to breathe and finally let him go out of my life. A month after that phone call, Shane and I knew we needed to make a trip to go see Pastor Joel Osteen preach in Houston. The sermon was about forgiveness. It was about accepting people for who they are, regardless of the mistakes they have made. It made me immediately feel regret towards my dad. He didn’t deserve to the be person I let all of my anger out on, and I needed to apologize for my actions and truly forgive him for all of bad memories I had from the past. I needed to do this for me, my family, and for God.
I wrote a message to my Dad, asking to see him in person (knowing that he always cancels everything), and I didn’t hold it against him when he said he would love to, but last minute he had a change in plans to leave out of town. I sent him messages and pictures and let him know that I do still love him, I was just in such a dark place and I shouldn’t have said those words to anyone.
I still to this day have not had the chance to apologize in person almost 8 months later, but I am very determined, and will definitely make it happen this year.
Regret is something that most people do not want to admit to, but it is so good to state the truth, and really overcome the past, and move forward as a better, stronger, happier person.
2 thoughts on “Regret”
Now we have two things in common, I don’t have a good relationship with my father not only because he made our life miserable because of his alcoholisn and abuse but because until now he is still not changing his ways. I may have said bad words to him in the past but it was never my intention, it is just to protect my mother or siblings or myself because it is needed to be done even if I don’t want to. I’m glad he is far away now because at least my mother has a chance for peace in her life, I am praying and thinking that he will have a good life. We are imperfect and we may say things we may never mean, thank God that He sees our heart. I hope you will be able to talk to your Dad soon. Keep the faith!
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Yes, my father was /is an alcoholic as well. So hard to deal with, and yes I remember both forms of abuse growing up as well. My mom divorced him when I was little, but he would still get visitation (the times he did show up) . I am glad that your mom is able to have some peace and comfort now that he isn’t near. We are definitely imperfect because of our upbringings, but I am hoping that we are the generation that can change for the better, and not let the cycle continue.