Happy 3rd birthday Lamar!!!

Wow, I can’t believe that we are here, at this day, 3 years later.   I still remember the specialist saying that “he will not survive birth, and their is a strong likelihood that he will pass in utero”.  At 9:57 A.M on July 14, 2012, they took Lamar out of me and showed him to me.  I remember everything so vividly.  I remember hurting so bad and at the same time feeling so full of love, and when I saw his hands curved inward and clenched and I knew in my heart that everything was true.  All of the appointments, and crying, and wanting to lean towards God but not knowing how, and wanting to ask for help or support but also not knowing how, just made for a very hard and trying pregnancy towards the end.

It’s crazy to think of what could be if he was here with us, and how our house would be so full with him and Rochelle, and of course Brielle. I know it would be so busy, full of lots of laughter, fishing, and so much LOVE.I thank God that Shane and I both have had the strength to stay together and grow with one another.  To think that most above 85% of marriages that involve the loss of child, end in divorce.  We couldn’t imagine life without our first born son, and can’t wait until the day we get to see him again.

This year we wanted to do something different and special. I thought cupcakes and a candle (the number 3) and 3 blue balloons that we will each write a note on and release in the sky.  It’s so amazing how much Brielle understands of the situation and she will continue to say that she has a brother and a sister in Heaven and that she loves them very much.  If only she knew how meaningful and powerful those words are to me.  It was so fun and I love that our family of three gets to celebrate our angel babies! 🙂

If each of us could say a few words to him right now this is what we would say:

Shane: I love and I miss you, I wish you here.

Brielle: I love you, give you a hug, and a high five.

Sheridan: I love you so much and I want to tell you that I’m sorry.

Grief is something that changes so often, that one day you may feel a certain way, and then the next day you may feel a completely different way about the loss of a loved one.  I feel like I wasn’t truly able to grieve with Lamar because of nursing school and getting pregnant with Brielle.  As I look back at my diaries, I was really in a dark hole that I just didn’t know how to get out of.  I am truly thankful for all of the support that our friends and family have given us, and continue to give us, that help us move forward everyday.

I will never forget those 23 weeks and 6 days, and we hope and pray that are prayers are getting answered, that he is having a blast with his sister Rochelle in Heaven.

R.I.P Lamar Grant Johnson 7-14-12 You will always be loved and cherished.