6 months and Reality Sinking In

I didn’t realize that I had to work on this day that we would have celebrated Rochelle turning 8 months old, until I also had a huge realization that I had to also work on the next day, the day that we are mourning her and realizing it has been 6 months since her passing.  I am not sure if I subconsciously just agreed to work all Mondays and Tuesdays this month in Austin not knowing that actual dates that I committed to, or that I just realized on July 1st that I am working so many days that I would rather be off and spend them with Shane and Brielle.  Crazy thing is, I am scheduled to work on July 14th as well, which is when Lamar would have turned 3!

Today, I was unable to sleep throughout the night and I woke up thinking and asking God “why am I still awake and I cannot sleep, knowing that in 2 hours at 5:30am I am going to have to get up and drive 40 mins to work a 12+ hour work day and drive over 1 1/2 hours home with Brielle tonight?”  It wasn’t until I heard Brielle at 5:00am calling me and saying “mommy, come in” which usually means she woke up and she wants to try to go back to sleep in bed with me.  I did not know why at the time but I know in her heart that she did indeed feel her sisters presence at this time, and God was trying to speak through both of us and just know that we needed to hug and cuddle and love on each other before I left for work.

Work was spent calling my patients doctors, scheduling appointments, going back and forth with my company about my patient needing to be fully staffed for the month, taking care of her all day, and running errands with the family. It was full and I thought it would keep me from feeling sad, or just letting reality sink in that I would trade anything just to be with Rochelle and Brielle at home and taking care of my girls, but my mind definitely wandered off to that place a few times when my mind was clear.

I know God placed Rochelle in our lives for a reason.  Shane and I may not fully understand, but we know that she brought us closer a family, she opened Shane’s eyes to sort of understand my life as a nurse and how much I handle on a daily basis when I work,  she brought us closer to my parents and gave us such a safe place at any moment Shane and I just needed a “mental break”, she showed us how much love we have to give and showed us to love both of our girls equally (and even though she was special needs and required much more of our attention) we made an effort on the daily to really have one on one quality time with Brielle, and she really showed us how many opportunities are out there and how many giving and kind-hearted people are willing to serve and love others.

People still continue to ask us if we are going to have more children, or if Shane is going to have the full genetic work-up. The thing is, we have no idea where God is going to lead us in our lives and who knows if we are going to pursue adoption, or try to have another of our own, only God knows that answer so for now we are devouring in the life we are given, and truly realizing how important it is to spend the time and energy with those that you love.

We love you SO much Rochelle, and will never forget all of those precious moments with you!

I always like to leave some of my favorite pictures of her with you all. 🙂

Sleeping peacefully.. at least for a little bit when she was not being held.

Sleeping peacefully.. at least for a little bit when she was not being held.

Just minutes after meeting her for the first time, I will never forget the way her fingers curled and grasped mine so tight

Just minutes after meeting her for the first time, I will never forget the way her fingers curled and grasped mine so tight

 

 

 

Always and forever our sweet girl!

Always and forever our sweet girl!

the last night I was ever able to hold her hand and she was awake all night listening to me talking

the last night I was ever able to hold her hand and she was awake all night listening to me talking

perfection--even when she had jaundice! :)

perfection–even when she had jaundice! 🙂

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