What no one talks about

Since Rochelle passed away in January, I did not have the time to prepare my mind, or my body with what to expect during or after she actually left to be with God. There are so many things that you just are unaware of at the time of such a tragedy, that I wish someone would have warned me with what was to come.

I was pumping and providing nourishment for my baby girl around the clock when she was living, because she could never successfully latch on, I was providing her the good nutrients she needed.  What I didn’t know was how my body would still (even to this day) continue to make milk thinking that I am providing for my precious baby girl.  I got rid of my pump right after she passed, during one of my anger phases and I have not had the nerve to get another one so I can slowly wean my body off the way it should have been.

No one warned me that for someone who is an emotional eater,  that her passing really got to my core and I haven’t stopped doing it since she passed.  I am really trying my best to work out and eat better, but so far,no luck .  I was always so stressed when she was alive, not knowing that at any given moment she could have passed away, I didn’t want to miss much, so I just ate food and drank soda (really anything with caffeine) to stay awake as much as possible, not knowing how much time God would actually give us. It will take time, and like anything in my life I just have to slowly deal with it over a period of time.

No one warned me that my once precious little girl, would turn into a subject so many people are afraid to talk about.  It’s almost like once a person (especially a baby) passes, people just don’t know what to say anymore to you.  FYI it is ok to talk about Rochelle, and Lamar.  It is ok to talk about the all of the joyous moments I got to have with her, or if something reminded you of her, is it ok to tell me.  Or if you had a random dream about any of my children, let me know! I love to talk about them, so never feel like you can’t say or ask me anything.  🙂

The last thing that no one warned me about, was how hard it was going to be to walk back into my home, and continue my life and all of my precious memories without Rochelle.  It was so hard to look at my now empty living room (which was always full of her machines and all of her equipment) and know that life does go on.  That has probably got to my the hardest thing for me, knowing that on my couch was the last time I got to hold on at home when she passed out and I had to immediately put her on the floor and give her CPR.  Those are the horrible last moments she was ever in my house and she was whisked away by EMS and covered on one of our blankets from the living room which Brielle will now tell you it’s “chelle’s blanket, don’t touch”.

It is so hard to just keep living life like we were before Rochelle was born.  I hate how things change so quickly, but in our house the door always stays open for conversation when it comes to both Rochelle and Lamar and Brielle continues to talk about them every day and pray for them every night.

Thank you for those of you that have been there with us throughout this process and are still there for us now.  You don’t know how much we truly appreciate it