The girl in the mirror

I am usually not one to talk about my insecurities a lot, because truth be told, I have a lot of them.  As I was working out at the gym two days ago, I noticed the girl in the mirror is not the same girl I used to know.

The girl in the mirror used to love to work out (even though every single person I was with was so fit and probably could go years without working out and still look amazing), and now this girl has to make it a point to go.  This girl finds excuses as to not do certain things, or certain workouts that I know will look terrible to someone else to see someone my size doing something.  This girl cares more about what people think (I can tell the look on some people’s faces as I am doing some moves that are rather unpleasing to the eye in the workout class–they are not pleasant looks).

The girl in the mirror used to love to be social.  I would almost always make it a point to call someone, stop by and say hello, just to check up on them.  This girl now makes it a point to stay at home as much as possible.  Just spending and cherishing precious moments with my daughter, as if thinking going somewhere would somehow take that away.

The girl in the mirror used to love to work.  Seeing something that I did to help them improve something, or change someone in a way they never saw it coming, would mean the world to me.  This girl now doesn’t seem to see that anymore, or maybe that I am just not looking as much.  This girl is kind of dreading going back to my old job and working 12 hour shifts, and not getting any sleep the night before.  This girl now has anxiety in situations that I used to be so confident in.

The old me is still in there, and I know not everything is bad about the new me, but I know after all that I have been through in the past three years, that I have just kind of lost myself.  Lost what I loved to do, lost that confidence that I held so greatly in my hand because I loved who I had become as a person, and just overall lost me.  I am so ready to change, and at least knowing what I need to work on and improve, is very important.  Hopefully next year, the “old” me will be the girl in the mirror that I used to know.